I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
