did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
