I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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