I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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