My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
