I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
