The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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