They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
