i think my tv is drunk
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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