i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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