Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im six kinds of drunk right now
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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