I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
