I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
