I accidentally burped into my bong.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
