I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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