New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
