I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
