I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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