put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
