My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
