Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
