Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
