Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
