Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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