Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
