Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
