There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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