I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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