did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
