that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
