I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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