I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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