If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am one with the molecules
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
