I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
