I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
