In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
