apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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