I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
