there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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