It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
