When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
