Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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