remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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