Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
