can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
