so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
