Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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