We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
