I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
