I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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