Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
