I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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