i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
