I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
