the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
