i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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