Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
