This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
