someone threw a dead crab at me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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