Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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